“Break a million hearts, but have yours broken too” is a quote that I made up a very long time ago. This is something that I have always felt is true in this life of chaos. I am Thee QueenB- founder of the Stars of Unique.

               I’m not sure that anyone thinks that they had a great childhood, or that they have not gone through great struggles in life, but I honestly believe that all I have gone through is exactly why I am who I am today. I have always been a very self-constructive person, and I believe have always made the right decisions with little to no regrets in my lifetime. At 25 years old I feel like I’ve been through things people never do in their whole lives- again as I’m sure everybody does to a certain degree. I always knew I would be “different”, that I am “special”, and that I will influence many in this life.

               I am an enigma. In Jr. High school I discovered metal music, and became very dark, gothic, and “freaky”. In Utah County- an extremely religious area- you can imagine the stares, names, remarks, and condescending message that many of my peers directed my way. I always stayed strong, stayed unique, and really was such a strong young woman. I would say that music and writing are my main passions, and I’ve always excelled in both areas. In band I played the clarinet, saxophone, and currently play the bass guitar. In my creative writing class- sophomore year of high school- I wrote my first short story. Our teacher sent our stories to a local author to grade, and told everyone in the class not to expect anything higher than a C grade- that the author looks at our stories and grades them how someone would had they been interested in publishing. The day we got our stories back- she called me to the front of the class and announced that I was the only one – not only in our class, but ALL of her creative writing classes that received an A-. This is what started my artistic confidence.

I got my first job as a dry cleaner at the age of 15. This is also the age I moved out of my parents’ house due to the drug and physical abuse occurring nearly my whole childhood. Also do to the ‘independent teenager’, strong young woman I became. So I got a job during the summer to buy clothes, and moved in with my boyfriend at the time. Shortly after I graduated at the age of 16- I moved back in with my mother and step-father and started working at a local Wendy’s. After a year and a half- I met the love of my life- Willie, and started working at Wal-Mart – the cutest customer service girl with dreads and tattoos ever (Haha!). Two years later- after realizing that in Utah County everyone stays the same, everyone was on drugs, and I was going absolutely nowhere in my life…I moved to Salt Lake. The best thing I could have ever done.

I am going to press pause for a second and let my A.D.D. mind drift for a minute. Willie is probably one of the most influential people in my life so far (other than my sister, Astraea), in both a wonderful and quite horrible way. We dated on and off for 3 ½ years, and I was certain that he and I would be together forever. When he passed away Jan. 19, 2009 due to his immense drug addiction- it made me realize how extremely temporary this life really is, and how much we all take for granted. I started the Stars of Unique about two years later to fill a hole in my heart that no one could. After dating for years, I just never felt complete until I had my time consumed by this amazing project. At a point where I had nearly given up all hope- I found a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not going to act like all is peaches, because ever since that very day – I am not the happy-go-lucky girl I once was. It is very hard to admit, but I am a very bitter person toward life in general. It has never given me a break, and this was kind of my snapping point. As my sister Astraea told me- it’s not that I feel like the world owes me- but exact opposite. I feel like the world has nothing to offer. This is very destructive, but I work every day to be the best ME in this life, and conquer the demons of my past.

Currently I work full time for a collection agency. I have worked here for 5 years now, and counting! I live in a small studio apartment with my two cats- who through the years have become my kids. I just joined a band as a bassist- so excited to give back to the art that has had a HUGE impact on my being. I am vegan- as of about a month ago, and was vegetarian since the age of 13 prior to that. I consider this one of my greatest accomplishments in life, and take great pride in the self-discipline and self-control this requires.

I am have been experimenting with women relationship-wise after coming up empty handed on men after my loss so many years ago. At this point, I am not sure what it is I want- man, woman, anyone? Prior to my last relationship was abstinent for a long time- with few exceptions. I am back to the same place- Lady Gaga has a line “Can’t sleep with a man who dims my shine”, and really have that kind of attitude about it. I’m very big on self-respect, and usually end up regretting it anyway.

Last but not least- my sister, Astraea. She raised me- quite literally. If it weren’t for her, I would have had little to no guidance in my life. As a wandering soul as it is- one must realize how important it is to have at least one solid foundation. Yeah- as kids growing up in an abusive, unhealthy environment- we fought a lot…but as we got older we both transformed into similar- yet polar opposite, amazing women. She is who I look up to, who I want to make the proudest, and who I owe the success of the Stars of Unique to. I cannot even imagine the team without her, and don’t even want to imagine the person I would have become without her.

 I am excited to see what is in store for my future one day at a time. The Stars of Unique are not going anywhere, anytime soon. The passion behind it, the minds, confidence, and power is limitless. It is my focus, my love, my life. I see ME in every single one of the girls in one way or another, and love living vicariously through their unique story. <3

What Makes QueenB Happy...

I don't even know where to start....

I was outside smoking a cigarette, thinking about how fast the years go by. Here I am at 25 years old..another year gone by- as some would say closer to death. All I know is that the world around me seems to deteriorate around me tiny bits at a time. Is this how life is supposed to feel? They say we can do bigger and better things if we spend our years in the institutions of education, furthering our knowledge of the world as we know it- but is that really the key to success? Are we really in a world where unless you go to school and find a profession making 100K a year- that you can be happy? That you can live comfortably? Let's just say I now know the meaning of 'starving artist', the people who actually have the means to make the difference are silenced by revolting a system we have all come to grow so fond of. Pouring money into the hopes we can better our lives...one day at a time, day of a week, week of a month, month of the year.

I really didn't want this to be depressing, but it seems that's the best way I can express how I truly feel. In a world so full of chaos, how are we supposed to know how to live in peace? When what's going on with the Kardashians means more to the community than our own neighbors? What can we expect? The dramatization of the commercials, shows, movies, video games IS desensitizing. It effects how we react to our surroundings, and how we conduct our own lives. Humans learn from other humans- when the only humans we interact with are characters that so oddly portray our society...perhaps we should wonder if it is forming our society. The news is biased, outdated, controlled, censored- is intended to keep us afraid of each other, and safe at home in front of our televisions. I feel so out of place here...

One of my friends posted on FB, and asked her friends what makes them happiest in life. I started saying that I love how free my mind is- but when I actually went to the topic at hand. What makes me happy...I froze. I stared at the computer screen, thinking through my head, starting to type, then deleting. My heart sank when I couldn't think of anything to type, and realized there really was nothing that truly makes me happy. I mean, temporary happiness is always available- I love my family, grateful for work, love modeling, my company, my friends- it would seem I had it all...but there is a void in my heart, and I think it's always been there. I can't really explain it, either... I fill it by being there for other people. For giving them advice and trying to better their lives. It's almost like Well B, your life is gonna give you the short end of the stick-no matter how you try, so you might as well help others become happy, and with that - you'll feel happy for helping them. Like some sort of metal loving, tree hugging Mother Teresa.

Something's gotta give... I have to find SOMETHING that makes me happy... <3

:: Cloud of smoke arizes, lights dim, curtain closes- all you hear is a light sob, and the clip clop of heels run off of the stage ::

Her.

I've been spending a long time waiting for the cup to spill over,

Wondering what it's been, hiding the book behind it's cover.

Where did you go? And why did you fade into the air?

I'm sick and tired of everything, pulling out my hair-

And screaming-

cause I know what we had was pure...

but you traded my world in for her.

And she's sitting on the couch with a person who's the devil,

In a half an hour baby, I'll be heading for that door-

you know things can't be the same anymore.

But she got hers,

and took you from yours...

Why wouldn't you take a stand-

The cup isn't dripping, the edges now pour.

               And you let it.

Is it really that important?

That you could take my heart and run with it?

And who are you to deny,

that the feeling in your veins was the  honey you've been craving-

for years- forget it.

Take yours...

Before someone else takes it for you-

I just can't believe you've left me empty handed,

and placed my world into her hands...man.

Love has never been a friend to me,

Always raining outside, never finding myself...

Every time I get close, it's like a brand new CD never put out on the shelf-

And my hands are stretched outward,

Reaching for salvation...

The only thing you gave me was an illusion to relation-

And it's fine...

It's what you decided,

I gave my heart to you, and you decided to ignite it.

Is it really that important?

You say you hurt, and don't know why...

I'll tell you what happened, you would see if you tried-

I died inside...

You practically laughed...

Your hands are so dirty- might as well get in the bath- Do the math...

Count your fucking fingers,

It shouldn't be hard, I know the taste of me lingers...

I'm raising the bar- but you let it-

Go, and now I've got to move on...

I fear the reverse effect of it- I've been working so hard.

I'm crying-

Wondering, begging you please-

Oh shit, it's too late -You terminated your lease.

You have no idea...

Honestly many of you have no idea... I wish sometimes- that I could show everyone what I go through on a daily. Not so much that anyone would care, or WANT to watch it- but just so that I could see if the things that happen around me are even human. I know, sounds weird- but I'm seriously starting to wonder how any of this really happens.

Either way-  I am here, now- for whatever reason. I guess I just don't understand people sometimes. I do what I can to avoid drama- Yes, sometimes I start it, everyone does from time to time. I have recently been trying to simply live in the here and now, to forgive, to move on. Someone has always got to be stirring that pot. Either way, it really is the people who support me that keep me going. There are those who would never let me give up on my dreams, and I am happy for that. Cause lord knows I probably would have broken down a long time ago. I know - I seem strong at times, but in reality- it's all of you who keep me strong. Thank you...

Simplicity....

Been a long time...

Since I've posted anything here... I miss catching up with myself! Hardly have the time, anymore though. Things are coming together beautifully! The 'New Stars for the New Year' has helped us almost completely reconstruct the business to a beautiful flower. Somehow- despite all of the set backs- we're still coming out on top, and rocking this! I am so thankful for all of the girls who feel that we will go far, and am SO excited to see just how far we can go. Not money wise- but breaking the scene wise. Even if we inspire ONE woman to find beauty with in herself - accepting her imperfections, and in fact- LOVING her imperfections- our goal will be completed.

That's just the thing though. I don't feel like (I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it) the corporate world really gives a FUCK when it comes to reality. Real people and real lives. It's all based on this huge pyramid of greed, and leaves many of us empty handed. The businesses are just out for themselves...it just makes me sick. I just want to be an honest, hardworking woman, with high goals, and morale. With a dream to crack the code of media and the impression it not only gives to women, but men as well. As per my schedule- I think we're doing pretty good at achieving that dream...closer EVERY day.

My Schedule for Feb... 

Feb 1st- Business meeting! 
Feb 3rd- Dead Vessel at Liquid Joes
Feb 4th- Unique meeting
Feb 6th- Audition/Business meeting
Feb 7th-Auditions
Feb 11th- Photo shoot with Pinups Against Cancer
Feb 13th- Auditions
Feb 14th- Valentine's Day <3
Feb15h- 1 Year Anniversary with my baby Brittany!!!!!!!
Feb 16th- Photo Shoot
Feb 17th- Anniversary party at Paper Moon
Feb 18th- Unique group shoot

Feb 21st- Auditions
Feb 25th- Mardi Gras party at Five Monkeys


Lmao!! All this on top of a full time relationship, and full time job. Astraea, my beautiful sister, and business partner has a full time job AND goes to school full time, AND has a spouse to tend to! And who knows what else is to come. If this is not passion, I'm not quite sure what is... :) I can't wait! Just gotta take it one day at a time... Wish us luck!

My you have a purdy mouth....

Sometimes I feel like we're all just a puppet on a string.....

The Big Time...

You know that undeniable feeling in your veins...
The one you can't desribe, nor deny?
That's the one I'm feeling, seeking, longing for.

I will acheive it, mark my words. I know exactly where to get it, how to find it- it's just a matter of when I make it happen. I can, it takes two- but I'm in it to win it- not to go home alone.

 This is a story of a woman who took matters into her own hands - that stood up for love when love needed it the most. Love has never been good to her, and she finally looks through a window with GREAT promise...just needs to crack the code.

Can she do it? She thinks she can...do you? If not- why question something so determined, motivated, and beautiful? Why smash the dreams of a Queen? <3

Who the F*CK are you?

Hmmmm...here we are again! Been awhile, sorry followers- if there are any haha. I just wanted to take a bit to catch up with myself. I'm going to vent (as usual...this is my venting place)!
I guess I'm sort of in a pickle...I wanted my blog to be REAL, things that people are too chicken to be honest about. I feel that so many people live behind the shades, and their public persona takes over. I see it happen all of the time- and I wanted to be different. I wanted people to know that I live a real life- and while it's not perfect...I'm not ashamed or afraid to be who I am, to live the life I'm living. I figure through my triumphs, and through my trials- someone could learn. And if no one learns anything- at least they can relate, and know that they are not alone in the world. I just refuse to be fake.
From a young age- I have been very individualistic. I've never taken advice well- as I would rather learn the hard way. I'm a hands on type of chick, and I'm always gettin into some shit- but I love my life this way! I have so many friends, so many people who respect me, and have worked very hard to be the person I am today. I never gave into bullies, I never gave into the bullshit...I've kept my mind very clear, concise, and conscious of my surroundings. I'm smart, intelligent, and fight for what's right. I know the difference between wrong and right, and have seen the light.
Growing up I was a very confused child. I grew up in a drug addict environment, and though I didn't realize until I was about 11- the instant I found out- my whole life seemed to click into place and make sense. I realized why there was abuse, weird people around, why we were almost neglected as children- pretty much set to fend for ourselves. We weren't deprived so to speak- pretty spoiled actually...but by the age of 15 I had experienced shit that no teenager should.
I've never been a drug addict- I think that stems from growing up around them. I never wanted to be like my parents. I take pride in this- as growing up in Happy Valley, UT- Springville- it's almost unheard of. Drugs are all about- people overdosing like crazy. Heroin is the black plague of that town and continues to haunt it everyday. Generations after generation of kids in families are struggling with a disease called addiction- but I am so proud I NEVER got there. I partied, don't get me wrong- and have done a LOT of drugs in my day...but I was never an addict, and never lost my clear head.
Now- with all of this in mind... take a second to ponder. With all that I have been through, and with all I have accomplished- why. Why do some of you believe that I'm just rotting away with Brittany, allowing her to abuse the hell out of me, control me, and 'ruin' my life. Come the fuck on!! You're the people claiming to know me best -my family, my closest friends! And you REALLY think that I'd just 'obey my master'? Reality check guys, I'm still the same spoiled bitch (Hence THEE Queen B! lmao!) and I will always be that way. I'm strong, determined, powerful, and don't take shit from anybody. Yes, we have been in physical fights...I'm ok to admit that- but NO, we haven't fought physically in a LONG TIME! And I'm so proud of the steps we have been taking.
See, what you don't understand is that I would not be here, I would not be trying this if I did not see it going anywhere. Again - you are my closest peeps, and have seen me 'go through guys like I change shirts'. Quoted from my sister directly. (I don't want that statement to come off the wrong way. I was abstinent for a very long time, and dated- but kept my legs closed. Respect for MYSELF first and foremost, and VERY limited on who I opened them for haha).
Literally though- I'd go on a date, if a dude fucked up once- Next. Simple, and for the last 2 years, that's pretty much all I did. Next, ummm Next, yep for sure next... and then B.
Where we have gone through some shit, I still see potential. I love her, and want to be with her, and am trying to make this work. As far as I'm concerned no one really has any room to talk about what I should do or why. It's a good thing I don't judge like some of you do (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) because if so- we would have missed out on a LOT of awesome fuckin memories. Ya'll were or are drug addicts, have issues with your relationships, have kids who are into drugs, have spouses who have been unfaithful, and the list goes on! Focus on YOUR lives, and stop judging mine. If you loved me- you'd want me to be happy right? Well that's what I'm doing, and you keep pushing me to the point where I’m going to write you off. Grow up, be an adult, and understand that I'm not an imbecile. I know what I'm doing, and I'm having the time of my life. Maybe if you came around, you'd see that. Stop being blind to what you want to believe, and maybe try to figure out if it's even true before you start talking shit.
                                     Who the fuck are you?

Why oh Why!!!

I've been asking that a lot lately...and it's time I took a minute out for myself to answer that- for MY SANITY!!! Haha.
Why am I looked down on because I'm honest, real, and straight forward? Because I 'choose to put my life on blast'- that makes me a bad person? Wouldn't it be worse if I just acted like everything was peachy-keen in front of everyone else, and lived in my own demise at home? Wouldn't it be worse if I were fake? For some reason, fake is the only thing accepted in this shit-hole we call existance. Yeah, I might be up in your face with my biz- but if you don't like it- go the fuck away! Pretty sure the only way you can get handfuls of me is A) through my blog, and B) through facebook. Well there's an easy solution for that... um- block me. Refrain from typing MY name into YOUR computer, and you won't ever hear from me again. Simple!

Why me? Why does it seem that everytime I get further in life- something kicks me down a notch? I don't want to be kicked down a notch! Let me do my thing, and let me do it well- I know I can...but why won't this life let me? I am all about self responsibility, I am all about the SELF. I understand the power that each individual has, and that I am respnosible for where I am and where I go. HOWEVER! I can not tell the future (as much as I'd like to)- and I am not sure why the curveballs continue to come my way. Ugh, you know what? This whole paragraph is pointless, because I know...as much as I want to blame it on fate, 'god', or some other bullshit made up force- that it IS my fault. That I put myself here in this situation, and only I can get myself out of it. Reality check, B. Pull your shit together, do what you gotta do or shut the fuck up and stop bitching!!! (Yes, that is an example of me- referring to myself in the third person. Lmao!) Either way, shit's gotta change. Not that before things were great- I was a severe alcoholic, and was out of fuckin control! However, I know I can be a better me...and I guess the journey continues on finding, realizing, and appreciating the fact that I understand what needs to be done. Blah blah blah, I'm blabbering.

I'm over this why shit <3

Just a few pics of me- I love my job :)

Photo Credit- ParDanger (One of my very favorite photographers).

Photo Credit: Bryan Smith- Much more work with him in the future :)

Happiness...

I want to achieve happiness.
To be far beyond the hills- rolling in glory,
High above the clouds (so scattered, so perfect).
With hands bigger than a giants-
Only then would I have the honor.

I want to dance in the rain,
Falling so sloppily into place-
My hair soaked, in my face -
That's what makes me happy.

I need to catch up with myself more often-
Loosing touch with who I am…
Nothing but molecules, chemical reactions to my surroundings.
The same exact snowflakes falling,
Melting before they land.

I've already seen the light before...
I could I expect anything more?
I've been wondering, coming up empty handed,
What options do we have-
When everyone's got that hand out?

I strive for happiness.
 

2012...

The year of 2012 is going to bring a lot of change for me, I can feel it! I'm getting excited to have 2011 just...over with. I'm ready to start a new chapter, and for the first time in history- am actually going to have a New Years Resolution! Yayyy!
The Stars of Unique (a group of unique, beautiful women I run)- are going to be going to an old folks home in Utah county to volunteer. Last Saturday we spent time together making cards, hanging out, and having a blast. A  lot of things are changing with the company, and a lot of shit is just crazy right now. I am just going to be up front and honest, well- cause people are so afraid to be honest, and put shit out on the table- the way it is.
Basically a few months back we had auditions. We took a few newer models under our wing to help promote them, as well as build their modeling portfolios. One of the new girls has a passion for singing and dancing- and has always wanted a group of women to carry this dream through. That's totally fine- being my dream was to make a group of beautiful unique models- and did it.
It all started becoming a conflict of interest the first moment I heard about the team. I was holding another audition for Unique, when girls started showing up for this dance team 'so n so' had created. Not only that, but she was also holding auditions that day, including some of my models. I was confused, and it took me about a week to understand that she had started her own team, and that my girls were being added to hers. No big deal at the time- two girls had auditioned and made it to her team, we can still be a family...right? Wrong.
About a week ago, I came to realize that no- not only two of my girls had joined her team- but 7 had seriously considered doing so, if not- joined. Ummm..Unique is a team of about 13 models- that is almost half of my girls on another team together. How Unique is that? After much thought on the matter through the last two months- this news broke my heart. I had to draw a line, and quick- before more of my girls turned up on the other team of dancers. While I do understand they are different areas of business- I want my team of girls to be OUR family, not every girl group out there. So I made the decisions, and as result of that- there are 8 girls left, including myself and management.
While it sounds like business catastrophe- I find it completely opposite. I'm excited for a fresh new start! One with women who were loyal, see what Unique can be- and strive as much as I do for the excellence of the company...not my company and 10 others. The ladies who have previously joined the dancing team had worked with me for a long time. I grew a very strong relationship with them, and really did not want to exclude them from our Unique family, but with girls rapidly joining their team, missing events, causing drama- it had to be done. I hope that in all of this they can understand a business perspective, be professional, and not allow this to ruin our relationship as friends. It's been a really big burden- but now the burden is lifted, and the fellow members of management and me can move forward.  <3

There is a method to the madness...

I was reading through my blog, and determined that I sound like such an ornery ass person! I don't want to come off this way - I guess my blog is designed to show the darker parts of my mind. This is WHO I am inside, this is HOW I am, and this is just an insight to how my mind works. I'm sure that if I told you any of this in person- it would come off completely ditzy and perhaps comical. That's just how I am! I come across much more clearly in the written word. That's why writing is my main passion in life, always has been my freedom. While I've always REALLY SUCKED at keeping a diary, I am proud that I have kept my blog going. It's a nice escape to get away from the world around me - sit down, and just go off on whatever the fuck I want to! :) It's great!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm really not a negative Nancy, though it may seem like it due to this blog. I am a chipper, bubbly, fun person- with a lot of ambition, and strive! These might just happen to be my moments of weakness- but hey. I'm not skurred...and any of you who think that going to the extent which I have into my personal life is ridiculous...well...you're still reading aren't you? I've got you hooked :)

As of late..

The level of determination in a person is almost scary. We as humans, have such immense power...yet we have to tap into the right areas to find that. It's crazy that the human race can range from Shakespear, Einstein, Benjamin Franklin- to, let's say George Bush. Where would you find yourself in that spectrum? Who do you want to be in history...even if your name is never published in a book? Who writes the shit we learn in school anyway? If I met 'Mr. Textbook writer', would I even give two shits about what he had to say? Would he be a 'George Bush' to me? Who knows if that information is even correct, or if what we are learning is accurate, yet we're forced into this public learning system- ran by the same government that's putting chem-trails in our skies, and poisening our drinking water. Who's to say they're not posiening our minds, too?


But alas, I'm falling off track. The level of determination in a single person is almost scary. If it is something that we truly want to acheive, there is nothing that can stop us from obtaining what it is we want. Right? Well, Brittany definately seems to be one of those- and it seems she has her eye on only one thing in this life. Me. Also- it appears to me that it has been this way for a very long time- thus expanding the so-called determination into some sort of a never quitting, relentless, passion o' love. I am not so sure what to do, as I've said before- it's my life, only I know how I feel, and only I can make that decision. What a tough one that is. Even the strongest person must expirience, and question. I guess the main point is to what degree you let this continue, and to what point you really call it quits. I'm lingering in the middle somewhere...which seems so strange because I do have moments of clarity. In these moments, the answer seems so clear- there is no going back. It's all set in stone right? Wrong. Moments of clarity are only clouded by moments of happiness, and that's what gets me everytime.
Leaving is the answer right? What if it isn't? Alright, I'll cut the bullshit, and just say it.
Basically this is what's going on. 11/11/11 I left brittany with the moment of clarity that our relationship is just not the route to go. We'd been treating eachother like shit for months and months, and I was over treating her the way she was treated, and over the way she was treating me. I was so clear, confident, and sure of my decision. Then...reality sets in.
I had a few people come to me, to advise me not to leave Brittany. They told me that they know she loves me, and wonder if I love her as well. These are people who are un-biased. People who actually KNOW Brittany, and took the time to get to know her. These are people who in some cases, know both of us very well, and actually gave her a chance. It then makes me wonder if my decisions are simply because of my surroundings. I'm so confused, so lost. I don't want to be looked down upon, to look weak because I tried again. If I leave-is that only because of the people who surround me, and their opinion of me? If so- why do I care to please them so much, to the point where I'd give up the person I love, spend all of my time with, and want go grow old with?  On the other hand, are they right? Is the pain actually suffering?


'So what's the difference between pain and
suffering?
Pain has a purpose.
Suffering is true torture because it has no
meaning.
Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is
devastating.' - Mort Fertel


And if so- then what about the people who come to me, with tears in their eyes, and shaking voices- telling me not to give up on the love I've found? Is the hurt for a purpose? Am I too biased for my own good? Am I taking for granted the greatness I have found? So many seem to think so, while so many seem to disagree.


Either way, I feel myself falling harder for Brittany everyday....I don't know how to stop this cycle...I'm so confused. I just want clarity, and perhaps now is not the time for that. Fuck. As of late- it's so hard to distinguish. I guess I'll just have to live day by day, and do what makes me happy...

Better, closer, warmer...

I'm a ninja! :) I'll make it haha!

Cluster F*ck

There's a writing technique I guess I invented- and if it's been invented before then I've never heard of it, so in my mind I invented it. Haha- either way- it's called 'Rambling'. I just go on and on about senseless shit, and it's probably one of my favorite things to do in the world. :)

What has happened to being happy? I have realized in this world of constant drama- It is nearly impossible anymore to find happiness. If my relationship were perfect, yet I was still overweight- I'd still be unhappy. Or if I didn't feel my boobs were big enough, and got a boob job- do you think that would fill the hole inside? Or would I feel guilty inside for having spent $5000 on something that didn't make me feel better about myself at all? With so much drama on television, the media, the news- no wonder why we all live so sporadic, disorganized, and dramatic. It's all we know...especially our generation.
My mother's generation barely had colored T.V.
Last night I was riding in the car with my mom- and a Kiss song came on, I believe it was called Frisbee Christine? Or something likes this. But I even said out loud instead of thinking to myself- 'these guys were considered the 'anti-Christ'?! What the fuck?! How does the world change so much in less than one lifetime? To the point where even Christian metal sounds scarier than Kiss could ever dream of being- yet they were 'anti-Christ' and evil. What would my grandparents think about the metal I listen to? Jesus! Perhaps we have become TOO open minded for our own good.
I find myself growing wearier of this life day in and day out. I know I'm not the only out there feeling this way- where I do believe that everyday is a new page- a new story. I am positive (haha, this blog hasn't really detailed THAT, but bear with me) inside and I do my best to keep my head above water. I understand that this is all a learning experience for something much more complicated than any mind could ever digest...the possibilities are endless as far as that's concerned. It's just trying to live a simple, happy, and meaningful life is so hard when everything around you is so 'big'! So over the top! Reality T.V. is anything but real, and we're all being brainwashed into drones. None of us are mentally healthy! It's the scary truth! I believe that any single one of us could go to the Dr.  -tell them how we're feeling, and get medication to help. Help what? Become a product of what the government considers 'normal'? You're willing to put your BRAIN, your MIND, and everything that controls YOUR WORLD into the governments’ hands? Why? Because we strive to live a normal, simplistic life- something that no longer exists.
And while that seems some-what depressing, I find it motivating. It all makes me want to get off my ass and make some kind of difference. Since a young age- I felt like I was different than my peers...I felt like there was significance to my existence that is beyond a house with a picket fence. Where I believe that would make my life 1 billion times easier...I just don't think that's why I am here. I have an insight that is out of this world. I have a deep understanding for all that is real, and all that is right. Now all I gotta do is project this understanding. Figure out a way to breakdown, re-create, and plant into the mind of the masses. We need a revolution....for our freedom, our mental savior. <3

Livid...

I am so livid right now!!!! Last night I was out, and got a text from a friend who said that she had heard some horrible things about me. She said that they had come from my ex- Brittany, that I had cheated on her and other horrible things.
I appreciate her honesty and coming to me directly when she heard something, that is very loyal, very respectable.
HOWEVER...
To the person who decided to go to HER instead of come to ME, and let ME know who is saying what about ME? Grow some balls. If you don't know me well enough to come to ME and tell ME what you heard, then stay the fuck out of my business! AND FOR SURE, DON'T GO AND TELL SOMEONE ELSE?
And if you do know me- chances are you're probably one of my best friends. If that's the case, then take your friendship elsewhere. I'm fuckin fed up with it. Everyone has their opinions, and sometimes it's best to keep it to your damn self. Or tell me who you are, so I can let you know what the fuck I've heard about you- TO YOU. So sick of being nice...

The knife in my chest...

There's a voice in my head,
It starts as a whisper...
Slowly growing louder, growling harder.
Through my eyes,
You see demise...
And I'm just not the same anymore.

What's the point of this life?
Why all the tests,
Who's getting a kick out of it?
If there is a god- he's laughing at me...
Setting me up for misery.

There's a knife in my chest,
Bleeding out my heart...
The blood is black as soot.
The cold sets in,
Changing the seasons of my life.
I'm waiting for the summer sun.

Why oh why did it leave?

Why oh why is it gone?

What the fuck have I become?

The wicked truth....

What has happened where did I go?

I remember the day it all started. I was on a plane to Minneapolis to meet the person I'd been talking to for nearly 12 years. It was a chance worth taking, and I was willing to give anything to be there- to be in her arms. I fell asleep on the plane, and woke up as the plane was landing. Everything becoming more life-sized by the second- I realized I was not prepared to land there. How could I fall asleep for so long? I was screeching my shoes backwards, as you would if you were a passenger in a car, and the driver almost hit the person in front of you. I wanted the plane to stop, but knew it was already too late. Before I knew it- I was inching (LITERALLY haha) toward the bag-claim area in the St. Paul Airport, more nervous than I've ever been in my life.
I distinctively remember patiently waiting on the escalator- people everywhere- but no Brittany. I continued walking, frantically looking for my love. I decided to stop looking so frantically so I didn't look like a weirdo- and just walk. She'd notice me, right? and BAM. 10 feet in front of me, she pops out. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leap for joy. it was her. Really her, and she was so beautiful. She was holding flowers for me, dressed in a nice dress shirt, slacks, nice dress shoes...just stunning. I was forever in love...
The week in Minneapolis had gone the same way. Everything as magical as the first moment I laid my eyes on her. She proposed to me, and we danced for hours in her apartment, much like two children in the rain. It was where we had dreamed to be...forever.  I never wanted to leave- and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The love in the air was so thick; it could have made a surrounding party sick. I never wanted to let go, and the ride home had a completely different tone to it. Complete sadness. 
Not to worry, however...for all we knew- she'd pick up and leave...move to Salt Lake City to be with me. And she did. Within two weeks- she left everything behind- her cats, family, friends, apartment, and so many materialistic things. She gave up EVERYTHING- to be with me.

The wicked truth...

I had been researching for years- how to have a healthy relationship. I knew what I wanted, how to obtain it, and was basically a walking binder full of notes, knowledge, and mental stability. I had seen so many friends go through the horrors of a relationship- hell I had been in plenty myself- and I was done with it. She was the end to all of that- she was everything I needed.
I remember the day she got to Utah. How could I ever forget? Her whole car ride (over 24 hours!) was pretty much a dead zone, and I had not been able to contact her. I tried calling her mother back in Minneapolis, who had also not heard anything. Low and behold- everything turned out fine. She met me at a gas station near my house at the time and for the first time - I felt security. I felt safe, fulfilled, loved.
The new addition to my life was amazing. I was so happy to finally have someone to love. My previous relationship had ended miserably, and suddenly when my boyfriend for 3 ½ years passed away Jan. 19^TH, 2009. All I wanted was love, and after being with a heroin addict for so long- it was refreshing to find someone who didn’t have a drug problem. In fact, she had been in the military, did a lot of training and was very responsible. It was so reassuring.

Not even a week had gone by with love in the air. My mom wanted to go out, as she is single- and try to meet some new people at a bar close to where I lived. Brittany and I went wit her- and had a blast. Ma ended up meeting a guy there who started buying all of us drinks. We danced, got super drunk and just had a blast. We ended up going to his place, and I took a shot of liquor there- it made me very sick, and I spent the next 30 minutes or so in the bathroom, puking…a lot! By the time me and Brittany got home, I was still feeling really sick- We had gone to pick up some food, and were sitting in the driveway. I am not even sure what happened, how it came up- or what we were fighting about, but I do remember yelling, screaming, and fighting.

With in an instant, she head-butted me in the mouth, so hard I thought my teeth had been knocked out. I checked my mouth to make sure my teeth were okay, and punched her in the face several times. She got out of the car, and ran to the door for my room mates to open, and locked herself in the bathroom. In frenzy, I was trying to get her out of the bathroom. I was very intoxicated, but realized that this would change so much…and she’d only been here a week. With in an instant- all that I had worked so hard to build was gone, and I was back in an abusive relationship. These- I never seem to escape. The first week of Utah for her was a great example of how the following 7 months would go…

Is it ever going to end?

To this day I still don’t know. The love I have for this woman is so deep and engraved into my soul- it’s kind of scary what people will do for love. I was so strong, so independent, so confident. Now I feel so broken down- I don’t feel like I am attractive enough to do my modeling sometimes, I just want to stay home and lay in my bed or sleep. I feel myself slipping further into the abyss of stupid-ness. Falling for it, giving into the love, and not realizing that staying in this abusive situation, is only abusing myself. I am not blaming it all on Brittany- I have always had violent tendencies, grew up in an abusive household, and have always had anger issues. All I know is that staying is harming both of us, and someone has to make the decision for it to stop- or we will continue in circles, in cycles forever.

On 11/11/11 I officially broke up with her.  I realized that this was never what I wanted or intended- and since we are so far off track, it needs to stop. We’ve gotten in many physical fights since the one mentioned above- jealousy, controlling-ness, malicious-ness, and the list goes on. That my friends, is not love. Not the kind of love that I want, or deserve- and not the love that she deserves either.

Brittany has had a really fucked up life so far. I’m not sure if I can be at liberty to speak on behalf of her- but she has been abandoned by her mother, beaten, grew up in a very disgusting environment. She has been ‘out of the closet’ since before I even met her online when we were 12. She had told me then that she was a guy, and I fell in love with ‘Jay Raymond’.  A few months later- she told me that she was a woman, and at such a young age it threw me for a loop! I had never imagined even being with a woman, or did not even know that existed. I stopped talking to her for weeks, and finally called her to tell her that I love her no matter her gender- and want to be with her. We eventually went our separate ways, probably about6 years later, and 5 years after that- she found me on Valentines Day, 2011.

She had never left my mind, I searched for her constantly, and always came up empty handed. I thought she had passed away, or something had happened- after all- EVERYONE has a Facebook. Especially people who used to be online constantly…I was so relieved to see her name when she sent me a message on Facebook, her pictures- I was flooded with so much emotion. When I finally saw her name in my inbox…I can’t even explain the feeling in my chest. My heart dropped to my feet, and I was instantly addicted. One of the first things I responded to her initial message of “Hey Stranger…” Was- ‘I love you’.

Now?...

Presently I am trying to find sanity in this ocean of chaos around me. A lot of my friends and family turned their back on me with out a blink of an eye. They say that they didn’t turn their back, but I felt (and still feel) so abandoned. How am I supposed to be strong? Brittany lives in my apartment complex, I HAVE to see her everyday- and with friends who barely know or chare where I live, or barely call….? Where am I supposed to turn? What am I supposed to do? I understand that me not having a car (I have a car, I just haven’t been able to register it…been fuckin off too long) totally puts a damper in the situation, but with so many people surrounding me- tell me that I am their best friend, that I have helped them so much- just to suddenly disagree with my decision, and quite literally disappear from my life?! Sorry, but a text once a month doesn’t cut it as being there for me. What do I do? I’m so lost. So confused, and it’s wearing on me.

There is no one in this world that understands my situation. I have come to realize this, and that no one can make my decisions for me. Sometimes I wish they could- it would make life so much easier. I’m currently in transition to having her like I’ve always dreamt of having her- being able to see her when I wake up, feel her, caress her face, wipe her tears- to nothing; Back to non-existent.

I just want love. L-O-V-E. It seems I have never truly had it in my life thus far. In my childhood I struggled to find happiness in the darkness that consumed me from the inside out (starting with a suicide of one of my first loves…in my name, for me, letter and all), and still battle to find the happiness with in. I have learned to let go of my inner child, to detach myself from the feelings I had back then. It is very detrimental to each person, and you gain bad characteristics as well as good ones from the early part of your life. I’ve learned to grow away from that child, and take things on new- take them on fresh, and look at things with an open perspective.

Perhaps I am in dire need for some counseling. I do believe, however- that I can fix myself. I think that I am completely capable of seeing what I can do with my life, and knowing what I am supposed to do. It’s the deciding factor that is hard- when you have to go. When enough is enough and actually following through, taking a stand for your life, and doing what is for you. Even if it all kicks you in the face, and knocks out your teeth. Even if you bleed.

Welcome to the last 7 months of my life…Just thought I’d get you up to par. Facebook is so ‘skim’ so there it is folks. The truth behind the love.