I don't even know where to start....
I was outside smoking a cigarette, thinking about how fast the years go by. Here I am at 25 years old..another year gone by- as some would say closer to death. All I know is that the world around me seems to deteriorate around me tiny bits at a time. Is this how life is supposed to feel? They say we can do bigger and better things if we spend our years in the institutions of education, furthering our knowledge of the world as we know it- but is that really the key to success? Are we really in a world where unless you go to school and find a profession making 100K a year- that you can be happy? That you can live comfortably? Let's just say I now know the meaning of 'starving artist', the people who actually have the means to make the difference are silenced by revolting a system we have all come to grow so fond of. Pouring money into the hopes we can better our lives...one day at a time, day of a week, week of a month, month of the year.
I really didn't want this to be depressing, but it seems that's the best way I can express how I truly feel. In a world so full of chaos, how are we supposed to know how to live in peace? When what's going on with the Kardashians means more to the community than our own neighbors? What can we expect? The dramatization of the commercials, shows, movies, video games IS desensitizing. It effects how we react to our surroundings, and how we conduct our own lives. Humans learn from other humans- when the only humans we interact with are characters that so oddly portray our society...perhaps we should wonder if it is forming our society. The news is biased, outdated, controlled, censored- is intended to keep us afraid of each other, and safe at home in front of our televisions. I feel so out of place here...
One of my friends posted on FB, and asked her friends what makes them happiest in life. I started saying that I love how free my mind is- but when I actually went to the topic at hand. What makes me happy...I froze. I stared at the computer screen, thinking through my head, starting to type, then deleting. My heart sank when I couldn't think of anything to type, and realized there really was nothing that truly makes me happy. I mean, temporary happiness is always available- I love my family, grateful for work, love modeling, my company, my friends- it would seem I had it all...but there is a void in my heart, and I think it's always been there. I can't really explain it, either... I fill it by being there for other people. For giving them advice and trying to better their lives. It's almost like Well B, your life is gonna give you the short end of the stick-no matter how you try, so you might as well help others become happy, and with that - you'll feel happy for helping them. Like some sort of metal loving, tree hugging Mother Teresa.
Something's gotta give... I have to find SOMETHING that makes me happy... <3
:: Cloud of smoke arizes, lights dim, curtain closes- all you hear is a light sob, and the clip clop of heels run off of the stage ::
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