My you have a purdy mouth....

Sometimes I feel like we're all just a puppet on a string.....

The Big Time...

You know that undeniable feeling in your veins...
The one you can't desribe, nor deny?
That's the one I'm feeling, seeking, longing for.

I will acheive it, mark my words. I know exactly where to get it, how to find it- it's just a matter of when I make it happen. I can, it takes two- but I'm in it to win it- not to go home alone.

 This is a story of a woman who took matters into her own hands - that stood up for love when love needed it the most. Love has never been good to her, and she finally looks through a window with GREAT promise...just needs to crack the code.

Can she do it? She thinks she can...do you? If not- why question something so determined, motivated, and beautiful? Why smash the dreams of a Queen? <3

Who the F*CK are you?

Hmmmm...here we are again! Been awhile, sorry followers- if there are any haha. I just wanted to take a bit to catch up with myself. I'm going to vent (as usual...this is my venting place)!
I guess I'm sort of in a pickle...I wanted my blog to be REAL, things that people are too chicken to be honest about. I feel that so many people live behind the shades, and their public persona takes over. I see it happen all of the time- and I wanted to be different. I wanted people to know that I live a real life- and while it's not perfect...I'm not ashamed or afraid to be who I am, to live the life I'm living. I figure through my triumphs, and through my trials- someone could learn. And if no one learns anything- at least they can relate, and know that they are not alone in the world. I just refuse to be fake.
From a young age- I have been very individualistic. I've never taken advice well- as I would rather learn the hard way. I'm a hands on type of chick, and I'm always gettin into some shit- but I love my life this way! I have so many friends, so many people who respect me, and have worked very hard to be the person I am today. I never gave into bullies, I never gave into the bullshit...I've kept my mind very clear, concise, and conscious of my surroundings. I'm smart, intelligent, and fight for what's right. I know the difference between wrong and right, and have seen the light.
Growing up I was a very confused child. I grew up in a drug addict environment, and though I didn't realize until I was about 11- the instant I found out- my whole life seemed to click into place and make sense. I realized why there was abuse, weird people around, why we were almost neglected as children- pretty much set to fend for ourselves. We weren't deprived so to speak- pretty spoiled actually...but by the age of 15 I had experienced shit that no teenager should.
I've never been a drug addict- I think that stems from growing up around them. I never wanted to be like my parents. I take pride in this- as growing up in Happy Valley, UT- Springville- it's almost unheard of. Drugs are all about- people overdosing like crazy. Heroin is the black plague of that town and continues to haunt it everyday. Generations after generation of kids in families are struggling with a disease called addiction- but I am so proud I NEVER got there. I partied, don't get me wrong- and have done a LOT of drugs in my day...but I was never an addict, and never lost my clear head.
Now- with all of this in mind... take a second to ponder. With all that I have been through, and with all I have accomplished- why. Why do some of you believe that I'm just rotting away with Brittany, allowing her to abuse the hell out of me, control me, and 'ruin' my life. Come the fuck on!! You're the people claiming to know me best -my family, my closest friends! And you REALLY think that I'd just 'obey my master'? Reality check guys, I'm still the same spoiled bitch (Hence THEE Queen B! lmao!) and I will always be that way. I'm strong, determined, powerful, and don't take shit from anybody. Yes, we have been in physical fights...I'm ok to admit that- but NO, we haven't fought physically in a LONG TIME! And I'm so proud of the steps we have been taking.
See, what you don't understand is that I would not be here, I would not be trying this if I did not see it going anywhere. Again - you are my closest peeps, and have seen me 'go through guys like I change shirts'. Quoted from my sister directly. (I don't want that statement to come off the wrong way. I was abstinent for a very long time, and dated- but kept my legs closed. Respect for MYSELF first and foremost, and VERY limited on who I opened them for haha).
Literally though- I'd go on a date, if a dude fucked up once- Next. Simple, and for the last 2 years, that's pretty much all I did. Next, ummm Next, yep for sure next... and then B.
Where we have gone through some shit, I still see potential. I love her, and want to be with her, and am trying to make this work. As far as I'm concerned no one really has any room to talk about what I should do or why. It's a good thing I don't judge like some of you do (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) because if so- we would have missed out on a LOT of awesome fuckin memories. Ya'll were or are drug addicts, have issues with your relationships, have kids who are into drugs, have spouses who have been unfaithful, and the list goes on! Focus on YOUR lives, and stop judging mine. If you loved me- you'd want me to be happy right? Well that's what I'm doing, and you keep pushing me to the point where I’m going to write you off. Grow up, be an adult, and understand that I'm not an imbecile. I know what I'm doing, and I'm having the time of my life. Maybe if you came around, you'd see that. Stop being blind to what you want to believe, and maybe try to figure out if it's even true before you start talking shit.
                                     Who the fuck are you?

Why oh Why!!!

I've been asking that a lot lately...and it's time I took a minute out for myself to answer that- for MY SANITY!!! Haha.
Why am I looked down on because I'm honest, real, and straight forward? Because I 'choose to put my life on blast'- that makes me a bad person? Wouldn't it be worse if I just acted like everything was peachy-keen in front of everyone else, and lived in my own demise at home? Wouldn't it be worse if I were fake? For some reason, fake is the only thing accepted in this shit-hole we call existance. Yeah, I might be up in your face with my biz- but if you don't like it- go the fuck away! Pretty sure the only way you can get handfuls of me is A) through my blog, and B) through facebook. Well there's an easy solution for that... um- block me. Refrain from typing MY name into YOUR computer, and you won't ever hear from me again. Simple!

Why me? Why does it seem that everytime I get further in life- something kicks me down a notch? I don't want to be kicked down a notch! Let me do my thing, and let me do it well- I know I can...but why won't this life let me? I am all about self responsibility, I am all about the SELF. I understand the power that each individual has, and that I am respnosible for where I am and where I go. HOWEVER! I can not tell the future (as much as I'd like to)- and I am not sure why the curveballs continue to come my way. Ugh, you know what? This whole paragraph is pointless, because I know...as much as I want to blame it on fate, 'god', or some other bullshit made up force- that it IS my fault. That I put myself here in this situation, and only I can get myself out of it. Reality check, B. Pull your shit together, do what you gotta do or shut the fuck up and stop bitching!!! (Yes, that is an example of me- referring to myself in the third person. Lmao!) Either way, shit's gotta change. Not that before things were great- I was a severe alcoholic, and was out of fuckin control! However, I know I can be a better me...and I guess the journey continues on finding, realizing, and appreciating the fact that I understand what needs to be done. Blah blah blah, I'm blabbering.

I'm over this why shit <3

Just a few pics of me- I love my job :)

Photo Credit- ParDanger (One of my very favorite photographers).

Photo Credit: Bryan Smith- Much more work with him in the future :)

Happiness...

I want to achieve happiness.
To be far beyond the hills- rolling in glory,
High above the clouds (so scattered, so perfect).
With hands bigger than a giants-
Only then would I have the honor.

I want to dance in the rain,
Falling so sloppily into place-
My hair soaked, in my face -
That's what makes me happy.

I need to catch up with myself more often-
Loosing touch with who I am…
Nothing but molecules, chemical reactions to my surroundings.
The same exact snowflakes falling,
Melting before they land.

I've already seen the light before...
I could I expect anything more?
I've been wondering, coming up empty handed,
What options do we have-
When everyone's got that hand out?

I strive for happiness.
 

2012...

The year of 2012 is going to bring a lot of change for me, I can feel it! I'm getting excited to have 2011 just...over with. I'm ready to start a new chapter, and for the first time in history- am actually going to have a New Years Resolution! Yayyy!
The Stars of Unique (a group of unique, beautiful women I run)- are going to be going to an old folks home in Utah county to volunteer. Last Saturday we spent time together making cards, hanging out, and having a blast. A  lot of things are changing with the company, and a lot of shit is just crazy right now. I am just going to be up front and honest, well- cause people are so afraid to be honest, and put shit out on the table- the way it is.
Basically a few months back we had auditions. We took a few newer models under our wing to help promote them, as well as build their modeling portfolios. One of the new girls has a passion for singing and dancing- and has always wanted a group of women to carry this dream through. That's totally fine- being my dream was to make a group of beautiful unique models- and did it.
It all started becoming a conflict of interest the first moment I heard about the team. I was holding another audition for Unique, when girls started showing up for this dance team 'so n so' had created. Not only that, but she was also holding auditions that day, including some of my models. I was confused, and it took me about a week to understand that she had started her own team, and that my girls were being added to hers. No big deal at the time- two girls had auditioned and made it to her team, we can still be a family...right? Wrong.
About a week ago, I came to realize that no- not only two of my girls had joined her team- but 7 had seriously considered doing so, if not- joined. Ummm..Unique is a team of about 13 models- that is almost half of my girls on another team together. How Unique is that? After much thought on the matter through the last two months- this news broke my heart. I had to draw a line, and quick- before more of my girls turned up on the other team of dancers. While I do understand they are different areas of business- I want my team of girls to be OUR family, not every girl group out there. So I made the decisions, and as result of that- there are 8 girls left, including myself and management.
While it sounds like business catastrophe- I find it completely opposite. I'm excited for a fresh new start! One with women who were loyal, see what Unique can be- and strive as much as I do for the excellence of the company...not my company and 10 others. The ladies who have previously joined the dancing team had worked with me for a long time. I grew a very strong relationship with them, and really did not want to exclude them from our Unique family, but with girls rapidly joining their team, missing events, causing drama- it had to be done. I hope that in all of this they can understand a business perspective, be professional, and not allow this to ruin our relationship as friends. It's been a really big burden- but now the burden is lifted, and the fellow members of management and me can move forward.  <3

There is a method to the madness...

I was reading through my blog, and determined that I sound like such an ornery ass person! I don't want to come off this way - I guess my blog is designed to show the darker parts of my mind. This is WHO I am inside, this is HOW I am, and this is just an insight to how my mind works. I'm sure that if I told you any of this in person- it would come off completely ditzy and perhaps comical. That's just how I am! I come across much more clearly in the written word. That's why writing is my main passion in life, always has been my freedom. While I've always REALLY SUCKED at keeping a diary, I am proud that I have kept my blog going. It's a nice escape to get away from the world around me - sit down, and just go off on whatever the fuck I want to! :) It's great!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm really not a negative Nancy, though it may seem like it due to this blog. I am a chipper, bubbly, fun person- with a lot of ambition, and strive! These might just happen to be my moments of weakness- but hey. I'm not skurred...and any of you who think that going to the extent which I have into my personal life is ridiculous...well...you're still reading aren't you? I've got you hooked :)