As of late..

The level of determination in a person is almost scary. We as humans, have such immense power...yet we have to tap into the right areas to find that. It's crazy that the human race can range from Shakespear, Einstein, Benjamin Franklin- to, let's say George Bush. Where would you find yourself in that spectrum? Who do you want to be in history...even if your name is never published in a book? Who writes the shit we learn in school anyway? If I met 'Mr. Textbook writer', would I even give two shits about what he had to say? Would he be a 'George Bush' to me? Who knows if that information is even correct, or if what we are learning is accurate, yet we're forced into this public learning system- ran by the same government that's putting chem-trails in our skies, and poisening our drinking water. Who's to say they're not posiening our minds, too?


But alas, I'm falling off track. The level of determination in a single person is almost scary. If it is something that we truly want to acheive, there is nothing that can stop us from obtaining what it is we want. Right? Well, Brittany definately seems to be one of those- and it seems she has her eye on only one thing in this life. Me. Also- it appears to me that it has been this way for a very long time- thus expanding the so-called determination into some sort of a never quitting, relentless, passion o' love. I am not so sure what to do, as I've said before- it's my life, only I know how I feel, and only I can make that decision. What a tough one that is. Even the strongest person must expirience, and question. I guess the main point is to what degree you let this continue, and to what point you really call it quits. I'm lingering in the middle somewhere...which seems so strange because I do have moments of clarity. In these moments, the answer seems so clear- there is no going back. It's all set in stone right? Wrong. Moments of clarity are only clouded by moments of happiness, and that's what gets me everytime.
Leaving is the answer right? What if it isn't? Alright, I'll cut the bullshit, and just say it.
Basically this is what's going on. 11/11/11 I left brittany with the moment of clarity that our relationship is just not the route to go. We'd been treating eachother like shit for months and months, and I was over treating her the way she was treated, and over the way she was treating me. I was so clear, confident, and sure of my decision. Then...reality sets in.
I had a few people come to me, to advise me not to leave Brittany. They told me that they know she loves me, and wonder if I love her as well. These are people who are un-biased. People who actually KNOW Brittany, and took the time to get to know her. These are people who in some cases, know both of us very well, and actually gave her a chance. It then makes me wonder if my decisions are simply because of my surroundings. I'm so confused, so lost. I don't want to be looked down upon, to look weak because I tried again. If I leave-is that only because of the people who surround me, and their opinion of me? If so- why do I care to please them so much, to the point where I'd give up the person I love, spend all of my time with, and want go grow old with?  On the other hand, are they right? Is the pain actually suffering?


'So what's the difference between pain and
suffering?
Pain has a purpose.
Suffering is true torture because it has no
meaning.
Pain is bearable. Suffering for no reason is
devastating.' - Mort Fertel


And if so- then what about the people who come to me, with tears in their eyes, and shaking voices- telling me not to give up on the love I've found? Is the hurt for a purpose? Am I too biased for my own good? Am I taking for granted the greatness I have found? So many seem to think so, while so many seem to disagree.


Either way, I feel myself falling harder for Brittany everyday....I don't know how to stop this cycle...I'm so confused. I just want clarity, and perhaps now is not the time for that. Fuck. As of late- it's so hard to distinguish. I guess I'll just have to live day by day, and do what makes me happy...

Better, closer, warmer...

I'm a ninja! :) I'll make it haha!

Cluster F*ck

There's a writing technique I guess I invented- and if it's been invented before then I've never heard of it, so in my mind I invented it. Haha- either way- it's called 'Rambling'. I just go on and on about senseless shit, and it's probably one of my favorite things to do in the world. :)

What has happened to being happy? I have realized in this world of constant drama- It is nearly impossible anymore to find happiness. If my relationship were perfect, yet I was still overweight- I'd still be unhappy. Or if I didn't feel my boobs were big enough, and got a boob job- do you think that would fill the hole inside? Or would I feel guilty inside for having spent $5000 on something that didn't make me feel better about myself at all? With so much drama on television, the media, the news- no wonder why we all live so sporadic, disorganized, and dramatic. It's all we know...especially our generation.
My mother's generation barely had colored T.V.
Last night I was riding in the car with my mom- and a Kiss song came on, I believe it was called Frisbee Christine? Or something likes this. But I even said out loud instead of thinking to myself- 'these guys were considered the 'anti-Christ'?! What the fuck?! How does the world change so much in less than one lifetime? To the point where even Christian metal sounds scarier than Kiss could ever dream of being- yet they were 'anti-Christ' and evil. What would my grandparents think about the metal I listen to? Jesus! Perhaps we have become TOO open minded for our own good.
I find myself growing wearier of this life day in and day out. I know I'm not the only out there feeling this way- where I do believe that everyday is a new page- a new story. I am positive (haha, this blog hasn't really detailed THAT, but bear with me) inside and I do my best to keep my head above water. I understand that this is all a learning experience for something much more complicated than any mind could ever digest...the possibilities are endless as far as that's concerned. It's just trying to live a simple, happy, and meaningful life is so hard when everything around you is so 'big'! So over the top! Reality T.V. is anything but real, and we're all being brainwashed into drones. None of us are mentally healthy! It's the scary truth! I believe that any single one of us could go to the Dr.  -tell them how we're feeling, and get medication to help. Help what? Become a product of what the government considers 'normal'? You're willing to put your BRAIN, your MIND, and everything that controls YOUR WORLD into the governments’ hands? Why? Because we strive to live a normal, simplistic life- something that no longer exists.
And while that seems some-what depressing, I find it motivating. It all makes me want to get off my ass and make some kind of difference. Since a young age- I felt like I was different than my peers...I felt like there was significance to my existence that is beyond a house with a picket fence. Where I believe that would make my life 1 billion times easier...I just don't think that's why I am here. I have an insight that is out of this world. I have a deep understanding for all that is real, and all that is right. Now all I gotta do is project this understanding. Figure out a way to breakdown, re-create, and plant into the mind of the masses. We need a revolution....for our freedom, our mental savior. <3

Livid...

I am so livid right now!!!! Last night I was out, and got a text from a friend who said that she had heard some horrible things about me. She said that they had come from my ex- Brittany, that I had cheated on her and other horrible things.
I appreciate her honesty and coming to me directly when she heard something, that is very loyal, very respectable.
HOWEVER...
To the person who decided to go to HER instead of come to ME, and let ME know who is saying what about ME? Grow some balls. If you don't know me well enough to come to ME and tell ME what you heard, then stay the fuck out of my business! AND FOR SURE, DON'T GO AND TELL SOMEONE ELSE?
And if you do know me- chances are you're probably one of my best friends. If that's the case, then take your friendship elsewhere. I'm fuckin fed up with it. Everyone has their opinions, and sometimes it's best to keep it to your damn self. Or tell me who you are, so I can let you know what the fuck I've heard about you- TO YOU. So sick of being nice...

The knife in my chest...

There's a voice in my head,
It starts as a whisper...
Slowly growing louder, growling harder.
Through my eyes,
You see demise...
And I'm just not the same anymore.

What's the point of this life?
Why all the tests,
Who's getting a kick out of it?
If there is a god- he's laughing at me...
Setting me up for misery.

There's a knife in my chest,
Bleeding out my heart...
The blood is black as soot.
The cold sets in,
Changing the seasons of my life.
I'm waiting for the summer sun.

Why oh why did it leave?

Why oh why is it gone?

What the fuck have I become?

The wicked truth....

What has happened where did I go?

I remember the day it all started. I was on a plane to Minneapolis to meet the person I'd been talking to for nearly 12 years. It was a chance worth taking, and I was willing to give anything to be there- to be in her arms. I fell asleep on the plane, and woke up as the plane was landing. Everything becoming more life-sized by the second- I realized I was not prepared to land there. How could I fall asleep for so long? I was screeching my shoes backwards, as you would if you were a passenger in a car, and the driver almost hit the person in front of you. I wanted the plane to stop, but knew it was already too late. Before I knew it- I was inching (LITERALLY haha) toward the bag-claim area in the St. Paul Airport, more nervous than I've ever been in my life.
I distinctively remember patiently waiting on the escalator- people everywhere- but no Brittany. I continued walking, frantically looking for my love. I decided to stop looking so frantically so I didn't look like a weirdo- and just walk. She'd notice me, right? and BAM. 10 feet in front of me, she pops out. I wanted to run. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leap for joy. it was her. Really her, and she was so beautiful. She was holding flowers for me, dressed in a nice dress shirt, slacks, nice dress shoes...just stunning. I was forever in love...
The week in Minneapolis had gone the same way. Everything as magical as the first moment I laid my eyes on her. She proposed to me, and we danced for hours in her apartment, much like two children in the rain. It was where we had dreamed to be...forever.  I never wanted to leave- and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The love in the air was so thick; it could have made a surrounding party sick. I never wanted to let go, and the ride home had a completely different tone to it. Complete sadness. 
Not to worry, however...for all we knew- she'd pick up and leave...move to Salt Lake City to be with me. And she did. Within two weeks- she left everything behind- her cats, family, friends, apartment, and so many materialistic things. She gave up EVERYTHING- to be with me.

The wicked truth...

I had been researching for years- how to have a healthy relationship. I knew what I wanted, how to obtain it, and was basically a walking binder full of notes, knowledge, and mental stability. I had seen so many friends go through the horrors of a relationship- hell I had been in plenty myself- and I was done with it. She was the end to all of that- she was everything I needed.
I remember the day she got to Utah. How could I ever forget? Her whole car ride (over 24 hours!) was pretty much a dead zone, and I had not been able to contact her. I tried calling her mother back in Minneapolis, who had also not heard anything. Low and behold- everything turned out fine. She met me at a gas station near my house at the time and for the first time - I felt security. I felt safe, fulfilled, loved.
The new addition to my life was amazing. I was so happy to finally have someone to love. My previous relationship had ended miserably, and suddenly when my boyfriend for 3 ½ years passed away Jan. 19^TH, 2009. All I wanted was love, and after being with a heroin addict for so long- it was refreshing to find someone who didn’t have a drug problem. In fact, she had been in the military, did a lot of training and was very responsible. It was so reassuring.

Not even a week had gone by with love in the air. My mom wanted to go out, as she is single- and try to meet some new people at a bar close to where I lived. Brittany and I went wit her- and had a blast. Ma ended up meeting a guy there who started buying all of us drinks. We danced, got super drunk and just had a blast. We ended up going to his place, and I took a shot of liquor there- it made me very sick, and I spent the next 30 minutes or so in the bathroom, puking…a lot! By the time me and Brittany got home, I was still feeling really sick- We had gone to pick up some food, and were sitting in the driveway. I am not even sure what happened, how it came up- or what we were fighting about, but I do remember yelling, screaming, and fighting.

With in an instant, she head-butted me in the mouth, so hard I thought my teeth had been knocked out. I checked my mouth to make sure my teeth were okay, and punched her in the face several times. She got out of the car, and ran to the door for my room mates to open, and locked herself in the bathroom. In frenzy, I was trying to get her out of the bathroom. I was very intoxicated, but realized that this would change so much…and she’d only been here a week. With in an instant- all that I had worked so hard to build was gone, and I was back in an abusive relationship. These- I never seem to escape. The first week of Utah for her was a great example of how the following 7 months would go…

Is it ever going to end?

To this day I still don’t know. The love I have for this woman is so deep and engraved into my soul- it’s kind of scary what people will do for love. I was so strong, so independent, so confident. Now I feel so broken down- I don’t feel like I am attractive enough to do my modeling sometimes, I just want to stay home and lay in my bed or sleep. I feel myself slipping further into the abyss of stupid-ness. Falling for it, giving into the love, and not realizing that staying in this abusive situation, is only abusing myself. I am not blaming it all on Brittany- I have always had violent tendencies, grew up in an abusive household, and have always had anger issues. All I know is that staying is harming both of us, and someone has to make the decision for it to stop- or we will continue in circles, in cycles forever.

On 11/11/11 I officially broke up with her.  I realized that this was never what I wanted or intended- and since we are so far off track, it needs to stop. We’ve gotten in many physical fights since the one mentioned above- jealousy, controlling-ness, malicious-ness, and the list goes on. That my friends, is not love. Not the kind of love that I want, or deserve- and not the love that she deserves either.

Brittany has had a really fucked up life so far. I’m not sure if I can be at liberty to speak on behalf of her- but she has been abandoned by her mother, beaten, grew up in a very disgusting environment. She has been ‘out of the closet’ since before I even met her online when we were 12. She had told me then that she was a guy, and I fell in love with ‘Jay Raymond’.  A few months later- she told me that she was a woman, and at such a young age it threw me for a loop! I had never imagined even being with a woman, or did not even know that existed. I stopped talking to her for weeks, and finally called her to tell her that I love her no matter her gender- and want to be with her. We eventually went our separate ways, probably about6 years later, and 5 years after that- she found me on Valentines Day, 2011.

She had never left my mind, I searched for her constantly, and always came up empty handed. I thought she had passed away, or something had happened- after all- EVERYONE has a Facebook. Especially people who used to be online constantly…I was so relieved to see her name when she sent me a message on Facebook, her pictures- I was flooded with so much emotion. When I finally saw her name in my inbox…I can’t even explain the feeling in my chest. My heart dropped to my feet, and I was instantly addicted. One of the first things I responded to her initial message of “Hey Stranger…” Was- ‘I love you’.

Now?...

Presently I am trying to find sanity in this ocean of chaos around me. A lot of my friends and family turned their back on me with out a blink of an eye. They say that they didn’t turn their back, but I felt (and still feel) so abandoned. How am I supposed to be strong? Brittany lives in my apartment complex, I HAVE to see her everyday- and with friends who barely know or chare where I live, or barely call….? Where am I supposed to turn? What am I supposed to do? I understand that me not having a car (I have a car, I just haven’t been able to register it…been fuckin off too long) totally puts a damper in the situation, but with so many people surrounding me- tell me that I am their best friend, that I have helped them so much- just to suddenly disagree with my decision, and quite literally disappear from my life?! Sorry, but a text once a month doesn’t cut it as being there for me. What do I do? I’m so lost. So confused, and it’s wearing on me.

There is no one in this world that understands my situation. I have come to realize this, and that no one can make my decisions for me. Sometimes I wish they could- it would make life so much easier. I’m currently in transition to having her like I’ve always dreamt of having her- being able to see her when I wake up, feel her, caress her face, wipe her tears- to nothing; Back to non-existent.

I just want love. L-O-V-E. It seems I have never truly had it in my life thus far. In my childhood I struggled to find happiness in the darkness that consumed me from the inside out (starting with a suicide of one of my first loves…in my name, for me, letter and all), and still battle to find the happiness with in. I have learned to let go of my inner child, to detach myself from the feelings I had back then. It is very detrimental to each person, and you gain bad characteristics as well as good ones from the early part of your life. I’ve learned to grow away from that child, and take things on new- take them on fresh, and look at things with an open perspective.

Perhaps I am in dire need for some counseling. I do believe, however- that I can fix myself. I think that I am completely capable of seeing what I can do with my life, and knowing what I am supposed to do. It’s the deciding factor that is hard- when you have to go. When enough is enough and actually following through, taking a stand for your life, and doing what is for you. Even if it all kicks you in the face, and knocks out your teeth. Even if you bleed.

Welcome to the last 7 months of my life…Just thought I’d get you up to par. Facebook is so ‘skim’ so there it is folks. The truth behind the love.