What Makes QueenB Happy...

I don't even know where to start....

I was outside smoking a cigarette, thinking about how fast the years go by. Here I am at 25 years old..another year gone by- as some would say closer to death. All I know is that the world around me seems to deteriorate around me tiny bits at a time. Is this how life is supposed to feel? They say we can do bigger and better things if we spend our years in the institutions of education, furthering our knowledge of the world as we know it- but is that really the key to success? Are we really in a world where unless you go to school and find a profession making 100K a year- that you can be happy? That you can live comfortably? Let's just say I now know the meaning of 'starving artist', the people who actually have the means to make the difference are silenced by revolting a system we have all come to grow so fond of. Pouring money into the hopes we can better our lives...one day at a time, day of a week, week of a month, month of the year.

I really didn't want this to be depressing, but it seems that's the best way I can express how I truly feel. In a world so full of chaos, how are we supposed to know how to live in peace? When what's going on with the Kardashians means more to the community than our own neighbors? What can we expect? The dramatization of the commercials, shows, movies, video games IS desensitizing. It effects how we react to our surroundings, and how we conduct our own lives. Humans learn from other humans- when the only humans we interact with are characters that so oddly portray our society...perhaps we should wonder if it is forming our society. The news is biased, outdated, controlled, censored- is intended to keep us afraid of each other, and safe at home in front of our televisions. I feel so out of place here...

One of my friends posted on FB, and asked her friends what makes them happiest in life. I started saying that I love how free my mind is- but when I actually went to the topic at hand. What makes me happy...I froze. I stared at the computer screen, thinking through my head, starting to type, then deleting. My heart sank when I couldn't think of anything to type, and realized there really was nothing that truly makes me happy. I mean, temporary happiness is always available- I love my family, grateful for work, love modeling, my company, my friends- it would seem I had it all...but there is a void in my heart, and I think it's always been there. I can't really explain it, either... I fill it by being there for other people. For giving them advice and trying to better their lives. It's almost like Well B, your life is gonna give you the short end of the stick-no matter how you try, so you might as well help others become happy, and with that - you'll feel happy for helping them. Like some sort of metal loving, tree hugging Mother Teresa.

Something's gotta give... I have to find SOMETHING that makes me happy... <3

:: Cloud of smoke arizes, lights dim, curtain closes- all you hear is a light sob, and the clip clop of heels run off of the stage ::

Her.

I've been spending a long time waiting for the cup to spill over,

Wondering what it's been, hiding the book behind it's cover.

Where did you go? And why did you fade into the air?

I'm sick and tired of everything, pulling out my hair-

And screaming-

cause I know what we had was pure...

but you traded my world in for her.

And she's sitting on the couch with a person who's the devil,

In a half an hour baby, I'll be heading for that door-

you know things can't be the same anymore.

But she got hers,

and took you from yours...

Why wouldn't you take a stand-

The cup isn't dripping, the edges now pour.

               And you let it.

Is it really that important?

That you could take my heart and run with it?

And who are you to deny,

that the feeling in your veins was the  honey you've been craving-

for years- forget it.

Take yours...

Before someone else takes it for you-

I just can't believe you've left me empty handed,

and placed my world into her hands...man.

Love has never been a friend to me,

Always raining outside, never finding myself...

Every time I get close, it's like a brand new CD never put out on the shelf-

And my hands are stretched outward,

Reaching for salvation...

The only thing you gave me was an illusion to relation-

And it's fine...

It's what you decided,

I gave my heart to you, and you decided to ignite it.

Is it really that important?

You say you hurt, and don't know why...

I'll tell you what happened, you would see if you tried-

I died inside...

You practically laughed...

Your hands are so dirty- might as well get in the bath- Do the math...

Count your fucking fingers,

It shouldn't be hard, I know the taste of me lingers...

I'm raising the bar- but you let it-

Go, and now I've got to move on...

I fear the reverse effect of it- I've been working so hard.

I'm crying-

Wondering, begging you please-

Oh shit, it's too late -You terminated your lease.

You have no idea...

Honestly many of you have no idea... I wish sometimes- that I could show everyone what I go through on a daily. Not so much that anyone would care, or WANT to watch it- but just so that I could see if the things that happen around me are even human. I know, sounds weird- but I'm seriously starting to wonder how any of this really happens.

Either way-  I am here, now- for whatever reason. I guess I just don't understand people sometimes. I do what I can to avoid drama- Yes, sometimes I start it, everyone does from time to time. I have recently been trying to simply live in the here and now, to forgive, to move on. Someone has always got to be stirring that pot. Either way, it really is the people who support me that keep me going. There are those who would never let me give up on my dreams, and I am happy for that. Cause lord knows I probably would have broken down a long time ago. I know - I seem strong at times, but in reality- it's all of you who keep me strong. Thank you...

Simplicity....

Been a long time...

Since I've posted anything here... I miss catching up with myself! Hardly have the time, anymore though. Things are coming together beautifully! The 'New Stars for the New Year' has helped us almost completely reconstruct the business to a beautiful flower. Somehow- despite all of the set backs- we're still coming out on top, and rocking this! I am so thankful for all of the girls who feel that we will go far, and am SO excited to see just how far we can go. Not money wise- but breaking the scene wise. Even if we inspire ONE woman to find beauty with in herself - accepting her imperfections, and in fact- LOVING her imperfections- our goal will be completed.

That's just the thing though. I don't feel like (I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it) the corporate world really gives a FUCK when it comes to reality. Real people and real lives. It's all based on this huge pyramid of greed, and leaves many of us empty handed. The businesses are just out for themselves...it just makes me sick. I just want to be an honest, hardworking woman, with high goals, and morale. With a dream to crack the code of media and the impression it not only gives to women, but men as well. As per my schedule- I think we're doing pretty good at achieving that dream...closer EVERY day.

My Schedule for Feb... 

Feb 1st- Business meeting! 
Feb 3rd- Dead Vessel at Liquid Joes
Feb 4th- Unique meeting
Feb 6th- Audition/Business meeting
Feb 7th-Auditions
Feb 11th- Photo shoot with Pinups Against Cancer
Feb 13th- Auditions
Feb 14th- Valentine's Day <3
Feb15h- 1 Year Anniversary with my baby Brittany!!!!!!!
Feb 16th- Photo Shoot
Feb 17th- Anniversary party at Paper Moon
Feb 18th- Unique group shoot

Feb 21st- Auditions
Feb 25th- Mardi Gras party at Five Monkeys


Lmao!! All this on top of a full time relationship, and full time job. Astraea, my beautiful sister, and business partner has a full time job AND goes to school full time, AND has a spouse to tend to! And who knows what else is to come. If this is not passion, I'm not quite sure what is... :) I can't wait! Just gotta take it one day at a time... Wish us luck!

My you have a purdy mouth....

Sometimes I feel like we're all just a puppet on a string.....

The Big Time...

You know that undeniable feeling in your veins...
The one you can't desribe, nor deny?
That's the one I'm feeling, seeking, longing for.

I will acheive it, mark my words. I know exactly where to get it, how to find it- it's just a matter of when I make it happen. I can, it takes two- but I'm in it to win it- not to go home alone.

 This is a story of a woman who took matters into her own hands - that stood up for love when love needed it the most. Love has never been good to her, and she finally looks through a window with GREAT promise...just needs to crack the code.

Can she do it? She thinks she can...do you? If not- why question something so determined, motivated, and beautiful? Why smash the dreams of a Queen? <3